Law And More

Aging As the New Orphans - Lawyers Replace Family

In November 2003, my younger sister Anne Murga-Ring and I became estranged. I was 58, at the time: young old. 

But even then I got it: I was w/o family, at least the nuclear kind. Parents and older sister had died. Relationships with cousins and their children, always frayed, had split their seams. I felt unhinged. After all, the ethnic ethos in America is All in the Family.

Now, experts on aging confirm that my distress was appropriate. They warn that navigating aging can be more difficult w/o family. Increasingly, more of us are winding up just that way: flying solo and often flying blind.

What's coming up is the 16th anniversary of that estrangement. In my thinking and in how I conduct my personal and professional affairs plenty has changed since then. 

Let's cut to the chase. What I have discovered is that a satisfying secure life can be put together while getting older w/o any family members. 

This is what I know:

• Actress Betty White, who has become advocate for older Americans, has hammered that aging isn't for sissies. This stage of a life represents as challenging a rite of passage as transitioning from formal education to the world of work. Therefore, I had to and continually still have t0 invest time and attention in figuring out what are the obstacles and opportunities in no longer being young. The number-one problem was denial. The major advantage was breaking open to forms of satisfaction beyond a career.
• Estate planning doesn't mean creating an inheritance for siblings. My beneficiary is an animal cause.
• Lawyers can be contracted to handle every detail. That ranges from whether to pull the plug to closing down all matters after I die. Sure, there's a fee. But there is also always a kind of fee in the complex maze of family relationships. 
• Holidays can represent startups. Mine has been to use them to see the USA in my Chevrolet. That need not be expensive. Discount Motel 6 takes dogs free. LOV, my four-legged son, enjoys the holidays as much as I do.
• Developing a small circle of trusted allies is mandatory. They provide early warning systems of what is going wrong. During the past two years that network has included a millennial. She flagged me that I had to end my preoccupation with money. I had "enough." And enough is enough. In the book "Making Toast," Roger Rosenblatt pointed out how little we really need later in life. 
• For those of us still determined to keep working, an executive coach is useful. From mine I "needed permission" to turn down assignments I didn't sense were a fit. Sure, I have down cold the Pareto Rule (80% of revenue comes for 20% of clients). But the residual insecure parts of me still required permission.

Not that getting older has been a wonderful "growth" experience. However, the process took on the quality of an adventure when I got the hang of transcending my own comfort zones. Here, free to download, is my book on all that. 

As my communications clients were observing how I was mastering aging, w/o family, they asked me to assist them. Where they especially found guidance useful was the professional identity piece. They wondered: How could they play better the cards they still held and how could they manage to get different ones? Yes, it's possible to be a Late Bloomer. Look at Betty White, Clint Eastwood, et al.

I have added over-50 coaching to the menu of services I offer.

Coaching, lecturing, and writing/ghostwriting thought leadership content on aging.  

 

For individual coaching – sliding scale fees. Complimentary initial consultation. The displaced over-50 get back to work. Please contact Jane Genova janegenova374@gmail.com.

 

Pierre Cleveland - Owner of Pit Pulls in Fatal Mauling Charged

During the three pit bulls' fatal attack on Emma Hernandez, nine years old, one was shot. The two others have been taken to Detroit Animal Care and Control. The odds are, given that the attack was deadly, they were be euthanized.

Meanwhile, as Law and Crime reports, their owner Pierre Cleveland, 33, faces multiple charges. They include ownership of dangerous animals, causing death, involuntary manslaughter, and second-degree murder. Bail has been set at $2 million. He is to appear in court on August 30th for a probable cause conference.

Law and Crime notes that several times Cleveland had been warned that his dogs should not be roaming the neighborhood. At the time of the fatal attack, Hernandez had been riding her bicycle. Although neighbors and her own brother tried to save her, those efforts were futile.

This is an extreme case of an attacks by dogs. Annually, as I posted in an article on this blog, according to the CDC there are about 4.5 million dog bites annually. Those will increase, given what has been called The Delivery Economy. Some lawyers have created a niche business representing victims of those attacks.

Not getting results from your marketing communications? Complimentary consultation – janegenova374@gmail.com.

Michael Barisone v. Lauren Kanarek - When the 1% Don't Turn to Lawyers

Just like the rest of humanity, the 1% have conflicts. But unlike the rest, they have the resources to hire the best legal minds in the world to duke it out.

That's not what happened, though, on Hawthorne Farm in rural Morris County, New Jersey.

Sources told the New York Post there was some kind of landlord-tenant dispute. Dressage Olympian Michael Berisone owns the farm. Winner of national equestrian medals Lauren Karnarek was a tenant.

Something happened. On Wednesday, Kanarek was carried away to the hospital with two life-threatening bullet wounds. She was not expected to live. However, after surgery she remains stable.

Meanwhile Barisone has been hit with two counts each of attempted murder and weapons possession. 

This is the kind of saga that makes it into the investigative reporting of Vanity Fair. The world yearns to have access to the ugly underbelly of the business and social dynamics among the 1%

Not getting results from your marketing communications? Complimentary consultation – janegenova374@gmail.com.

Lawyers More Lonely Than Other Professionals - 5 Tactics Back into Friendship Loop (but all slow)

The lack of common ground isn't just in politics in America.

In more and more aspects of life there also is less and less common space.

That's what Matthew Walther observes in his article on loneliness in The Week. That puts the odds against finding other human beings we can become friends with. The crisis of loneliness deepens.

The ABA reports that 61% of lawyers placed higher than average on the loneliness scale. And, lawyers are more lonely than those in other professions.

But, that can't all be accounted for by the emotional hardening that goes along with practicing law and pushing to develop new business. Those just starting on in their lives are also caught in the loneliness web. According to YouGov, 30% of U.S. millennials say they are lonely and 20% contend they have no friends.

What it's come to, notes Walther, is that we "pretend pets are people." (Should law firms have dogs roaming the corridors and assign who will walk the canines on what days and what hours?)

So, let's look at what used to be common space and is no more. Here are 5 examples I find useful to focus on and why they have disappeared:

•  Home. Walther hammers that raising a family is no longer affordable. Those connections have gone the way of the low-IQ phone. More of us live alone. But, sure, it had been possible to make friends even when single. Remember how Mary Richards and Rhoda, both in their own apartments, developed a deep relationship. Now, after all the stress from the whatever, we singles are not reaching out. Meanwhile, we are trapped in an i-world of messaging, movies, and games. 
• College. Forget it. As Yale professor Deresiewicz captures in "Excellent Sheep," higher education, especially at the top of the food chain, has become a competitive arena for high grades. Chasing after them makes the time-consuming process of developing friendships unlikely. Also, the postings of all the other students on Instagram are a source of feeling less-than. Best to steer clear of the whole people thing. 
•  Work. Who isn't after our job? And there are simply many more rats eager to gain favor with superiors by carrying tales about us. Maybe this saga is true, maybe it isn't. In northeast Ohio a millennial claims the reason she was fired was because she confided in a co-worker her battle with clinical depression and anxiety.
•  The store. No one goes there any more, not even for groceries, which are delivered.
•  Church. Gallup documents that membership in a religious organization is down to 50%. From 1937 through the late 1970s it was at 70+%.  

However, if we are determined not to be so so lonely, we can explore where common space can be. Here is what I have discovered is promising during the 63 months I have struggled to find companionship since I uprooted from the New York Metro area:

•  Gyms. Both those stand-alone ones and the in-house fitness centers in residential complexes are wide open to socializing. If we are cautious and don't push too hard too soon to move the gymbuddyness to the next level we could wind up with a few people to talk with. 
•  Recovery meetings. The friendship, or as it is called the "fellowship," is the key driver in attending regularly.  It's like the good old days, with folks inviting us to go out for coffee or have fun at pig roasts by the lake.
•  Wellness groups, ranging from yoga to meditation. People feel they are doing the right thing and are more receptive to welcome those also pursuing healthy goals.
• Pet parks. I have witnessed romances blossom as the canines tend to bring people together. Here a tail wags, there a tail wags. Soon we are not alone. 
•  Goodwill and consignment stores. Traditional retail is out. But hunting in-person for steep bargains has become a national hobby. In that space it's easy to get conversations going which often move on to human beings sharing their stories. This is suitable for law students and seniors in college waiting to hear back from the law schools they applied to. 

However, even with these tactics, expect a slow journey to being back in a friendship loop. Interacting is, well, counter-trend. The trend is i-immersion., along with extreme work. Name one very successful lawyer you know who emerges from the I-world and legal tasks and opens himself or herself to in-person human interaction with peers. The client/prospect stuff is a whole different matter, of course.

Reflection: Friendship requires effort. Being a lawyer might just leave no energy over for that sort of thing. 

Not getting results from your marketing communications? Complimentary consultation – janegenova374@gmail.com.

 

"Ma"- Pain, Pre-Digital, Then a Crime Spree

Back in an Ohio high school, Sue Ann - who goes by nickname Ma - had been withdrawn and naive. She was also one of the few blacks. Of course, she craved to belong.

The mean kids set her up to give oral sex to popular Ben. Then, as a group almost like a Greek Chorus, they laughed about it. That was in person, in the high school corridor. Today it would be through Instagram. 

The film "Ma" chronicles how Sue Ann enacts revenge on those former classmates. That plot starts out with their children, whom she allows to party in her basement.

Bit by bit she becomes increasingly unstable and hostile. That ranges from murdering Ben and his girlfriend Mercedes to drugging and sewing the lips of a smart-mouthed teenager who told her she needed a man. 

Critics note that "Ma" could have been a great film. The plot line and acting don't take advantage of possibilities. But what resonates is the message that those years between childhood and becoming an actual adult are difficult. There are those, like Ma, who never shake off the pain. 

Some entrepreneur with a deep understanding of human nature can invent an app that allows teenagers to sort out in real time and all the time what's happening in their little lives. It would be voice-activated like Alexa, be a damn good listener, and provide sophisticated forms of compassion and guidance. In addition, it would be guaranteed for confidentiality. 

Another kind of help would be allowing students to bring their dogs to school. 

My own descent into hell began not in high school. It was in an all-woman's small Roman Catholic College, not far from where "Ma" is set. Here is that dark psychological drama.

Three years ago, I returned to the scene of the crime to try to sort out all that. I didn't expect it to work. But it did. Unfortunately, too many real-life therapists are unimaginative about what could and does heal. Apps could be lots more creative. 

Not getting results from your marketing communications? Complimentary consultation – janegenova374@gmail.com.

New Form of Domestic Violence & BigDrama: Serina Wolfe's Revenge Tip

Given the media coverage Serina Wolfe's $5,000 "revenge tip" has received, this new form of domestic violence is bound to have plenty of copy cats. Who hasn't become enraged with a soulmate at some time? And this whacks that man or woman right in the wallet. 

Everywhere, service personnel will have to review unusually large tips on small credit-card purchases. The whole transaction could be delayed as the security folks at the credit card company verify the amount of the tip with the person whose name is on the credit card.

Obviously, arrests could be made right on the spot. Look forward to BigDrama at public facilities. 

As the world knows, Wolfe and her boyfriend Michael Crane had a verbal altercation. The issue was if he would allow her to put the flight from Florida back to her hometown Buffalo, New York on his credit card. 

That could have resulted in a physical assault or even death. Matters of the heart are wild cards.

Instead, the rage seemed to motivate Wolfe to push back in a monetary way. A punch right to the budget - and FICA score - of the man she (supposedly) cared about in a romantic way.

Unfortunately, that didn't turn out to be an effective way to channel her anger. Crane reported that $5,000 on his credit card to law enforcement. Wolfe now faces charges of grand larceny.

Caught in the middle is Clear Sky Beachside Cafe.

It had paid out the tip to the server. She had been despondent about the death of her dog.

Now, the burden is on the dining facility to resolve this financial matter.

Will it ask the waitress to return the tip?

Will it swallow the payout?

Will it crowdfund for strangers to help both the business and the waitress out. Those pitching in funds can receive, for instance, a 15% discount on all meals at Clear Sky. Doesn't everyone go to FL at one time or another?

Reflection: Should romantic relationships, like the privilege of driving a car, require licenses? Part of the licensing process would be mandatory training in anger management.

Exactly the right tone and content for all your communications. Complimentary consultation janegenova374@gmail.com.

 

Law Firms - Listen to Wag, Not Stress Experts

There had been that old joke.

A newbie lawyer lobbyist walks into a bar in Washington D.C.

He grouses about how unfriendly and even hostile the folks inside the beltway are.

The guy bellying up to the bar next to him smirks and says, "Get a dog." Yeah, in searching for support from two-leggers, the lawyer was, to use the cliché, barking up the wrong tree. 

That anecdote  is supposed to showcase how dogs, the four-leggers, are mankind's best friend. And it does.

But in this era when capitalism has run wild and narcissism has overtaken relationships, the dog might turn out to be mankind's only friend. And that's exactly why law firms should allow several dogs in the office. The logistics can be worked out easily. Already, more and more offices in trophy buildings in major metro areas have dogs. Otherwise there might have been more suicides.

A Wag survey found that in terms of looking for emotional support, 44% of those who responded answered that they turn to their dogs versus confiding in humans. Imagine how much stress could be prevented or released if the overwhelmed lawyer or staff member simply took the dog for a walk and shared woes along the way. 

Also Wag reported that of those interviewed, 38% admitted that their affection is showered on the dog, not others in their life. The surprise is that the percentage isn't higher. Paid parental leave should be extended to dog adoption. Fund that instead of contracting with supposed stress experts to parachute in.

Exactly the right tone and content for all your communications. Complimentary consultation janegenova374@gmail.com.

It Should Be the Law: Not Leaving Dogs Alone During 4th of July Fireworks

Some volunteers make it their business to show up at animal shelters on the Fourth of July. That's to hold close the dogs who become terrified of the loud noises and flashes of light from the fireworks. 

That's what all of us who are pet parents have to also do.

I have backed out of my usual Thursday evening meeting at a support group. No way can I leave my four-legged son LOV alone. That's downright animal cruelty.

If employers have a heart they will allow employees hours of pet leave during the most intense period of fireworks. If that isn't possible then workers should ask a neighbor to be there for the dog.

Exactly the right tone and content for all your communications. Complimentary consultation janegenova374@gmail.com.

Work - That and Other (fatal) Disappointments

Since 2006, the rate of suicide in the U.S. has increased 2% each year.

In addition, suicide attempts are at about 1.4 million annually.

Those are just some of the statistics the U.S. Centers for Disease Control and Prevention released today from its recent study. Here are more details from Bloomberg.

A sign of these suicidal times, talking about thoughts of offing oneself is no longer taboo. And it has become commonplace.

In fact, last night a Millennial neighbor and I chatted up in front of our building about our bout of suicidal ideation earlier in the week. The woman next door who overheard us joined in. My quip was that when a date asked me my purpose in life, I blurted out: Trying my best to stay alive. 

Yeah, we are a nation in lousy emotional shape.

As the Bloomberg article points out, the 60-year run of optimism about treatments for mental illness - ranging from medication to take therapy - was magical thinking. A reason for that is also something Bloomberg notes:

" ... psychological stressors can activate a genetic predisposition, so life circumstances matter a lot. And the U.S. is home to some particularly challenging ones ..."

WORK SUCKS

At the top of the list is the disenchantment with work. Since Puritan times the work ethic has been the unofficial religion in America. That belief system is being battered on all fronts.

Some don't have enough work.

Others work at what pays peanuts.

Those who have lots of well-paid work such as lawyers, like Gabe MacConaill, are committing suicide. Or they are self-destructing in other ways be those drugs or embezzling client funds and getting caught.

A reason FIRE (Financial Independence Retire Early) has caught fire is that too many are treated so badly by employers, clients, and customers while working. The dream is to find satisfaction elsewhere.

FOR WHOM THE BELL TOLLS

The pain is palpable. And, as fellow human beings, we feel it.

So many decent human beings are suffering and it's needless.

The most obvious instance of that is homelessness. Some cities look like third-world countries.

But more pervasive is the extreme loneliness. Gone is the ability to even have a conversation. The Diane Sawyer two-hour television special on screen time pointed the finger for this at digital technology. In addition, the aging become invisible. Then they self-isolate.

RATS NO LONGER STAY IN THE BASEMENT

In Manhattan there used to be the old saying: If the rats stay in the basement, you know things are under control. It's when the rats climb the stairs and merrily join the diners in the restaurant that you know the social system is collapsing. 

The dark aspects of society - corruption, narcissism, violence, and bullying - have taken over. We watch an inspiring film such as "Breakthrough" and are incapable of feeling hope.

It's overdue that the key institutions in society such as the mental health system, education, government, and the private sector look at what Bloomberg labeled "life circumstances." Those are the levers to push to reduce suicide.

Meanwhile, it is possible to get through the day.

Talking to one trusted acquaintance can release the despair.

There are caring human beings at Samaritans. That free hotline (212-673-3000) operates 24/7.

Go the animal shelter and adopt a companion, even if that means relocating to a pet-friendly apartment.

Do one decent human act. That can be as small a gesture as holding the door open for a mother carrying a child. 

Full Disclosure: Several members of my family committed suicide. 

Exactly the right tone and content for all your communications. Complimentary consultation janegenova374@gmail.com.

Raw Reflections on Mother's Day 2019

Supposedly timely for Mother's Day, USA Today provides a feature on outsourcing parenting. The tasks farmed out range from potty training to childproofing the residence. None of that comes cheap.

However, outsourcing parenting is nothing new in the history of civilization.

The most warm and fuzzy symbol of performing that important duty in society is nanny Mary Poppins.

From the days of Old Manhattan, anyone who cruised by the parks in Manhattan spotted benches filled with outsourced labor chatting among themselves as they keep a watchful eye on what was going on in the elegant prams.

Let's face it, childcare has always been a time-consuming tedious undertaking. Those with the resources to farm out most or all of that out usually did.

For example, in the 2019 book by Tracy Borman on Henry VIII, what's discussed as totally normal was housing royal offspring away from the family. That went on until the child could provide a useful function in court. The chronicle is "Henry VIII: And the Men Who Made Him" and here it can be ordered from Amazon.

But wealth and power are not required in that particular kind of outsourcing.

Extended families usually took on the role automatically. Given the necessity of searching, finding, and holding onto work, children usually were a bad fit. As infants through their teenage years, they were placed in the full-time or part-time care of grandparents, aunts, and even other young children.

That's practically the norm in parts of China as the economy changes. Parents flock from rural areas to the cities to work and live. 

Essentially that was a commonplace dynamic in the immigrant tenements of downtown Jersey City, New Jersey during the 50s. Sometimes a risk-taker would go out to California to escape factory work or cleaning offices. The offspring were left behind, usually for years. Neighbors who were scheduled for the night shift had the children sleep in the apartments of other neighbors. That's the way it was.

Of course, just as now, there also was plenty of total inability to care for children. Probably I never had children, always preferring rescuing and caring for dogs and cats, because my younger sister's care was outsourced to me.

My mother had been mentally ill. My father had two jobs, mostly to steer clear of the domestic tragedy unfolding. As an infant and toddler I was cared for by my grandmother and aunt.

From the get-go, the majority of my colleagues and clients had live-in nannies. They had to. With such a hyper competitive work world they couldn't risk not sleeping through the night. That would have been career suicide.

Meanwhile, with farming out childcare so expensive in major metro areas, it's no surprise fertility rates are plunging. Right now it's at a 30-year low. Also, in some sectors being a mother is perceived as a negative. One current lawsuit dealing with that alleged brutal reality in the field of law is "Doe v. Morrison & Foerster."

And those into pop culture will recall that Katherine on television series "A Million Little Things" felt forced to turn down the invitation to be partner.

The terms and conditions wouldn't allow her to run home to have dinner with her son every night. She indicated that after dinner she would return to the office.

That, the partners responded, would be a lack of commitment to the firm.

Soon enough, upscale neighborhoods in the United States will be overrun with dogs. There will be few or no children.

Exactly the right tone and content for all your communications. Complimentary consultation janegenova374@gmail.com.